Are you playing the dating game?

In its simplest form, “dating” is a structured ritual people use to explore whether they want to build a romantic or intimate bond with someone.

It’s basically:

• meeting someone intentionally

• spending time together

• observing compatibility

• deciding whether a deeper relationship makes sense

In Western cultures (especially U.S./Europe), dating has become a process rather than an outcome.

It’s not automatically about sex or commitment — it’s about testing the connection.

But because this “process” became commercialized, normalized, and built into modern social structures, it also got distorted.

Dating has now become a business, a weapon, a tool for conformism and manipulation, a beacon for patriarchy enforcement, and it keeps getting worst as time passes by.

The historical evolution of dating

Before the 20th century: Dating didn’t exist

For most of human history, people did not “date.” They married or formed bonds through:

• families

• communities

• villages

• arranged connections

• social circles

• religious structures

Partnerships were based on:

• survival

• alliance

• status

• family decisions

Romantic love was a bonus, not the foundation.

So the idea of “going out with different people to see who fits” was unthinkable.

Early 1900s: Courtship

This was the first step toward dating, but still very controlled.

• A man visited a woman’s home.

• Parents were present.

• It was formal, structured, supervised.

• The purpose was marriage.

No games. No ambiguity. No “talking stage.”

1950s: The birth of modern dating

After World War II:

• people moved to cities

• youth culture exploded

• cars gave privacy

• independence increased

Dating became:

• fun

• casual

• romantic

• social

Still, it followed clear rules:

• one partner at a time

• men asked women out

• clear commitment expectations

• community approval mattered

This was dating with structure.

1960s–70s: The sexual revolution

Birth control changed everything.

Suddenly:

• sex and love weren’t tied to marriage

• women gained more autonomy

• relationships became more flexible

• societal taboos weakened

Dating became more open, but also more confusing — less guided by tradition, more guided by individual preferences.

1980s–90s: Individualism takes over

People began prioritizing:

• career

• personal freedom

• self-growth

• independence

Relationships became:

• optional

• less central to identity

• more about compatibility than duty

This created a new need: Meeting people outside your natural social circle.

Early 2000s: Online dating begins

Websites like Match and eHarmony normalized meeting strangers on the internet.

Dating became:

• more selective

• more intentional

• more open

But here’s the key shift: Profiles turned people into items with attributes.

Shopping psychology entered dating.

2012–today: Dating apps change human behavior

When Tinder arrived, dating changed drastically:

• endless choices

• fast judgments

• dopamine addiction

• ghosting

• short attention spans

• emotional disposability

• sexualization

• validation economy

Apps are designed like slot machines — they profit from keeping people single and swiping, not forming relationships.

This turned dating into:

• a game

• a competition

• a marketplace

• a performance arena

• a source of anxiety and low self-esteem

Coaching industry + social media amplified the chaos

Suddenly:

• “dating coaches”

• “feminine/masculine energy gurus”

• “relationship influencers”

• “pickup artists”

All started teaching techniques, tactics, and strategies.

Many teach:

• emotional manipulation

• power plays

• hot/cold behavior

• unrealistic expectations

People became products, and relationships became “projects.”

Why today’s dating feels unhealthy

Because modern dating is built on:

• capitalism (apps profit from your loneliness)

• patriarchal relics (women must stay desirable, men must pursue)

• individualism (everyone is replaceable)

• trauma-driven patterns (avoidance, anxiety, validation seeking)

• attention economy (people date for ego boosts, not connection)

Traditional dating had structure but lacked freedom. Modern dating has freedom but lacks structure.

People are lost.

An alternative approach to dating

Today

Dating nowadays is:

• emotionally unsafe

• confusing

• addictive

• competitive

• detached

• performative

• filled with projection and fear

Your intuition that “something is off” is not only correct — it is profoundly accurate.

Why does it feel like a “game”?

Because it is one — socially and psychologically.

Dating today often involves:

• unspoken rules

• performances (people act idealized versions of themselves)

• competition

• power dynamics

• strategies to not appear too eager / too distant / too emotional

• ranking people based on desirability

This can feel unnatural, manipulative, and emotionally unsafe — because, actually, it is.

People end up:

• spending energy “selling” themselves

• fearing rejection

• feeling disposable

• chasing validation

• playing hot/cold dynamics to create excitement

Modern dating culture, often:

• glorifies superficiality

• encourages emotional detachment

• rewards “playing games”

• dehumanizes people into profiles and options

• amplifies insecurity

So the dissonance you feel is completely normal, your discomfort makes complete sense.

Dating is a huge deal now

Three major reasons:

1. Modern societies are more isolated

People don’t meet partners naturally in:

• family networks

• villages

• extended communities

So dating apps, dating coaches, and dating content became a substitute for community.

2. It became a business

There is an entire economy built around:

• dating apps

• coaching

• courses

• social media “experts”

• content around seduction, attraction, “masculine/feminine polarity,” etc.

People profit from the confusion, the pain, and the desire for connection.

3. Collective loneliness

Today, people are:

• more isolated

• more anxious

• more insecure

• more disconnected from themselves

Relationships become the place where they try to fill emotional voids, which makes dating feel heavy and dramatic.

It serves patriarchy

In many ways, historically and psychologically.

Patriarchal societies have always:

• regulated women’s sexual and romantic behavior

• taught women their value lies in being desired

• encouraged competition between women

• normalized men “choosing” and women “being chosen”

• made romantic validation central to female identity

Modern dating culture often reinforces this, even if subtly.

Examples:

• Women feel pressure to be attractive, youthful, pleasant.

• Men feel pressure to be strong, financially secure, confident.

• Women are told to “perform femininity” to be chosen.

• Men are told to “perform dominance” to succeed.

This can absolutely feel manipulative and unhealthy.

Why does dating cause depression and obsession?

Because it triggers core attachment wounds:

• “Am I desirable?”

• “Am I lovable?”

• “Am I good enough?”

• “Will someone choose me?”

• “Will I end up alone?”

When dating doesn’t go well, people interpret the outcome as a personal failure rather than a mismatch.

Add the sense of competition and scarcity (“there are no good partners left”), and it becomes emotionally overwhelming.

It leaves you more vulnerable to scams and manipulations

careful!

The actual purpose of dating — beyond the noise

Healthy dating (rare, but possible) is simply:

• meeting someone with curiosity

• staying grounded in your values

• building safety and connection slowly

• discovering compatibility without pressure

• making choices based on alignment instead of fear or scarcity

When done well, it’s not a game — it's exploration.

But modern culture often distorts it.

Unspoken rules people follow today

Here are the real, unspoken rules most people follow in modern dating — whether they admit it or not. These are not healthy rules; they’re simply the norms that shape current dating culture, especially in Western contexts.

1. “Don’t show too much interest too fast.”

People are terrified of being rejected or appearing desperate, so they:

• wait to reply

• hide enthusiasm

• act busy even when they’re not

The logic: Interest reduces value. Scarcity increases value.(This is the same psychology used in marketing.)

2. “Present your best self, not your real self.”

Dating profiles and first dates are performances:

• exaggerated confidence

• carefully crafted photos

• idealized personality

• filtered emotions

People try to be chosen, not to be understood.

3. “Keep your options open until it becomes ‘official.’”

Modern dating encourages:

• talking to multiple people

• not committing too soon

• avoiding exclusivity

The fear: “If I choose too early, I might miss someone ‘better’.”

This creates insecurity and emotional instability.

4. “Never be the one who cares more.”

There’s a widespread fear of:

• being used

• being played

• being emotionally vulnerable

So people protect themselves by staying colder than they feel.

5. “The person with more emotional power sets the pace.”

If one person is more attached than the other:

• the less attached one leads

• the more attached one adjusts

People treat emotional investment like currency.

6. “You must look attractive — always.”

Dating culture is visually driven:

• looks dominate apps

• bodies are commodified

• aging is stigmatized

• women are judged more harshly

This rule pressures women the most.

7. “Sex can happen early, but commitment must be slow.”

Paradoxically:

• intimacy is casual

• attachment is dangerous

• labels are avoided

People fear being “trapped” or “responsible” for another’s emotions.

8. “If it’s not perfect instantly, next.”

Because dating apps create infinite choices, people develop:

• low frustration tolerance

• unrealistic expectations

• intolerance for imperfections

They can simply “move on” with a swipe.

9. “Availability lowers desirability.”

A bizarre modern belief:

• emotionally available = boring

• unreliable or unpredictable = exciting

This comes from attachment wounds and dopamine-driven patterns.

10. “If it doesn’t work, blame yourself — or blame them.”

Instead of seeing mismatches as normal, people:

• internalize rejection

• spiral into self-doubt

• feel unlovable

• become resentful

Dating culture makes people feel disposable.

11. “Your worth depends on how many people want you.”

This is one of the most toxic ideas. People measure their value by:

• matches

• attention

• compliments

• who they can attract

It’s a validation economy.

12. “Winning the game is more important than building a connection.”

In unhealthy dating dynamics, people care more about:

• appearing in control

• avoiding vulnerability

• gaining attention

• getting the upper hand

The relationship itself becomes secondary.

Modern dating operates on fear, insecurity, competition, performance, detachment, scarcity mindset, wounded attachment.

Does that sound familiar?

A Note of Caution: When Dating Support Becomes a Business

Not all professionals, coaches, or educators working around dating and relationships act unethically. Many offer valuable, responsible, and supportive guidance.

However, the modern dating landscape has also created a market built on confusion, insecurity, and emotional vulnerability. In this context, discernment is essential.

The following points are not meant to accuse, but to help you recognize when support may subtly shift from empowerment to dependency.

1. Over-simplification of complex human dynamics

Be cautious when relational difficulties are reduced to rigid categories or labels that are presented as fixed identities.

Concepts such as attachment styles can be helpful tools for understanding patterns. They become problematic when they are used to:

• define people permanently

• explain away all relational difficulties

• encourage quick diagnosis rather than reflection

Healthy guidance uses frameworks as lenses, not as verdicts.

Secure attachment does not exist, it's an illusion.

2. Messaging that undermines personal discernment

Support should strengthen your ability to listen to yourself.

When advice implies that:

• your intuition cannot be trusted

• you need constant external interpretation

• expertise must replace inner clarity

it may unintentionally foster dependency rather than autonomy.

Ethical guidance helps you reconnect with your own discernment.

3. Promises of control over attraction or outcomes

Human relationships are not predictable systems.

Be cautious with approaches that claim to teach:

• how to trigger desire

• how to make someone attach

• how to avoid rejection entirely

Connection involves reciprocity, freedom, and uncertainty. Any method promising control over another person’s feelings deserves careful scrutiny.

4. Normalization of emotional strategies

Some advice reframes emotional withholding, ambiguity, or destabilization as “strategy.”

When relational advice encourages:

• confusion as leverage

• distance as a tool

• insecurity as a means of influence

it moves away from relational health and toward emotional manipulation — even if framed in psychological language.

5. Framing dating as conflict or opposition

Content that divides people into camps or frames relationships as a power struggle may generate engagement, but it often increases fear and mistrust.

Healthy relational approaches emphasize:

• mutuality

• responsibility

• communication

• shared humanity

rather than dominance or victory.

6. Pathologizing normal emotional responses

Disappointment, grief, longing, and vulnerability are part of being human.

When normal emotional reactions are consistently framed as dysfunction, it can lead individuals to:

• doubt themselves

• feel “broken”

• seek endless correction

Ethical support distinguishes between trauma that needs care and emotions that need understanding.

7. Endless self-improvement without resolution

Growth can be meaningful. It becomes questionable when:

• there is always something more to fix

• “readiness” is never reached

• worthiness feels conditional

Healthy support has a direction: toward clarity, grounding, and sufficiency — not perpetual optimization.

8. Use of fear, urgency, or scarcity

Messages that rely on:

• urgency

• fear of being left behind

• exaggerated timelines

• scarcity of opportunity

may activate anxiety rather than insight. Calm guidance does not need pressure to be effective.

9. Blurred professional boundaries

Ethical practitioners are clear about:

• their role and scope

• the limits of their expertise

• the nature of the relationship

Support becomes risky when boundaries are unclear or emotional reliance is encouraged.

10. A simple question to keep in mind

Ask yourself:

Does this guidance help me become calmer, clearer, and more autonomous — or more anxious, dependent, and self-doubting?

Support that truly serves you should make itself less necessary over time, not more.

To conclude, In a culture where dating distress is widespread, not all solutions are neutral.

You are allowed to step back, slow down, and choose approaches that respect your autonomy, your nervous system, and your humanity.

Discernment is not cynicism. It is a form of self-respect.

Ethical note: This article does not question the value of therapy or relational support when practiced with integrity. Its sole intention is to encourage discernment in a context where emotional vulnerability can be commercially exploited. Healthy guidance should strengthen autonomy and clarity, not dependency or fear.

This article was built with the help of ChatGPT answers who formulated clearly what so many of us think and feel silently.

#manipulation